I have to admit the space is nice
not to have to talk about my life
or look at people in the eye when I need to cry
I just want to be myself without someone telling how
my life needs to be
how I should look
what I must read
what I should write about in life
I feel too naked around a big crowd of liars
While everyone looks down on me
with so much jealousy and hate
Because I won't let them live out my life or dreams
they hate me because they could never be me
I just want to hide
Just run with the wind
where everyone would just stop looking at me
the scars and all the pains that they all have given to me
I want to run free from all of this mess
I've made a nice big bed to lay my head
My mother always said I was nothing but a black seed
Thoughts of emptiness and lost dreams are what she has given to me
I came from a family of darkness
I am so ashamed to ever say they are apart of my bloodline
even the thought of them makes me cry
all they had ever given me is lies and so much blame
look at the mess they made
my soul holds on to all those nasty lies
I can still hear the words of my mother that makes me cry
I have a sister her name is Diane
But then she tries to act as if she is me
she even tells everybody her name is Judy or Lilly
those names belong to me
why is it she can not live her own life
why is she so ashamed of herself
Well I can tell her she will never be me
She is a stain that will never go away
she did her wrongs then put her blames on me
I want to live my own life so give it back
at one time in my life, it was once too hard for me to say no
it was hard for me to know what was right or wrong
when you come from a darken home
I have seven brothers but I won't say their names
but I never had them in my life much
but the one that was in my life was no good
I moved on and set my self free
It’s too easy to fall back in the trap they all set out for me
Who are you to tell me what to do
I am the one that made you look good
move on do you see what you have done
I'm already out the door making a run
I have to remind myself of all the reasons
for letting go of the past I once have known
In my weaker moments, I cry out to my God Jehovah
I keep knocking on the door of my Lord Jesus
I got down on my knees out in the night
with all the pain everyone I once trusted had given me
cuts on my heart that were very deep
looking back, hoping to find something good in my life
that's when I started to cry
there was not even a glimpse of love
Emptiness and so much pain dying out in the cold rain
I'm still holding on to my God's name
I am taking back my own name
I don’t know why everyone has done this to me
but no more the door is closed behind me
I set my life on happiness without the pains of deep loneliness.

- Judy Emery © 2004
The Queen Of Darken Dreams Poetic Lilly Emery