I'm so afraid
And maybe that's an understatement.
But I think I really am this time.
I use to go into relationships, thinking everything is going to be easy.
But this is the first time that I've realized that it isn't going to be simple.
This isn't easy, this isn't simple.
But I don't give two ***** if its easy or not.
As I don't care, I'm still afraid.
I'm a coward. A child. A nobody.
It's so hard for me to pick up on everything he says.
I'm so afraid every time he asks me certain questions.
"Do you promise to love me forever?"
The only thing that runs through my head is,
"Will you be the one to love me forever?"
Everyone that I've made that promise to, have disappeared. And I am so afraid for this to become one of those cases. I long for eternity, a passionate never endless love.
I have not once achieved it, and my soul weeps. Constantly.
I want to be loved the way I love people. No one has been able to do that for me. I wait, and I wait. Nobody obliges. I sometimes feel as if, I'm a walking joke. Too loving, caring, passionate, for others.
Why is it so hard?
I sit here, every morning asking myself, not the same question, but multiple questions. Everything is so excessive, so much baggage. So much pain, nothing that i can fixate on. Nothing to take it away truly.
Because being with you, might make me happy, but there will always be that one little piece in my brain that reminds me of her.
You with her.
And it upsets me. It pains me. I wish sometimes she never existed. Its my jealousy and rage kicking in. My two-faced mannerisms that cannot let go of the past.
I lie in bed every time and tell myself to never hold grudges. Its unhealthy, not only for my sake, but the others too.
But I just cannot bring myself to be okay. I think about her. I see her. I hear her. And I just want her gone. I'm so tired of her. I'm so tired of the thought of you two being together again.
I want to run away, never exist. I hate it all because it hurts.
You love her, you will always love her. You and I will never have the bond that you had. And it hurts me.
So my question to you now;
"Do you really love me?"
Or am I a sea-sick notion to forget the past. A cover up. Someone that can give you the love that you never received from her.
I need answers, there are too many questions.
I'm so afraid.