Things I never thought I'd hear myself say
Back before my kids were born
Why is my toothbrush in the microwave?
And why is my recliner full of corn?

Who put my cell phone in the fish tank?
And why is there butter in my shoe?
I'd often scream "Get the bleach"
When I stuck my finger in their poo

Who left their underwear under my pillow?
And get that lamp shade off of your head
Quit calling your sister an evil troll
And there's no monsters under your bed

Who put the jello in the DVD player?
And no, you're not getting a pet snake
Who put this hot dog under the cushions
Get your sister's hair out of that cake

Why is the cat in the refrigerator?
Who drew a mustache on grandma's face?
Get your finger out of your brother's nose
Who put this mustard all over the place?

It doesn't matter what you ask them
The answer is always the same
"I don't know, I didn't do it"
And somehow they're never to blame