i looked under my bed
and found my heart, today
it wasn't like i remembered
my old heart glowed, pulsed
dancing to its own music
resting to its own lullaby
dreaming to its own promise
warm with love, and life
soft with compassion
bright with a future
my new heart is unrecognizable.
its breath short and labored
its sight damp and blurred
its touch cold and calloused
my new heart is lifeless
charred from the burns
limp from the torture
numb from the exhaustion
i never knew a heart bled until today.
if i could cry, i would
but now that i've found it,
my heart won't let me.
it's bitter at me,
for leaving it all alone
for not appreciating its existence
for believing in its invincibility
it's compensating for lost time
time i could've healed
time i could've loved
time i could've lived
and now i'm afraid of my heart.
an unthinkable thought
an unimaginable feeling
an unwanted result
i prepare for anger
i prepare for hatred
i prepare for the worst
but it doesn't come.
underneath the nasty glares
underneath the throbbing pain
underneath the shrouded fear
with shameful eyes
wavering doubts
but strong desires,
my heart wants to forgive.