since you read my poems
but ignore my calls

i guess this is how i will communicate to you

at least for now


i saw the picture.
i'm happy for you.

but it's hard to be happy for you

because seeing you happy
just reminds me of how ******* miserable i am.


it just puts a pit in my chest,
because we could have done these things together.

in january, i went on this journey
to discover who i am

but all i've figured out
is that i'm weak.
i change who i am to get people to like me

i'm fake
because i'm terrified of being alone

and being someone else is easier than dealing with the fact that i hate who i am


but you
you saw me


and you looked past the **** ****** up thirteen year old irrational illogical insane girl
that i am
deep down
and you loved me for the person i always wanted to be

and i appreciate that so much
because no one else has ever done that.

and i think it's just hitting me now, at this moment,
while writing this

just how weak i really am.

how pathetic i am as a human being.

how i need someone to tell me how to act

and it's all so hypocritical
because i'm supposed to be this strong feminist
and here i am,


sobbing
because you don't need me anymore.

and i still need you
or someone

because i can't figure out

how to love me for who i am.


because this girl,
i hate her.


this girl

could never be happy without someone holding her up