him

with a capital H (Him) no, not a god but a ruler a masculine power i see all around me Him meaning mean meaning me. ten. Him, again. intruding in my face, in my head. in my bed. him, many men. again, again. my stomach swims he spreads. at 25 cant sleep in bed without a knife, melatonin, and gabapentin Him. hypervigilant when will he begin again? I look for Him in friends, in men underneath anyone could be Him when anger sprouts and my lover shouts or when he teases, or grabs, or doubts i think he's Him, i've lost again my radar lacking adequate detection i panic, i freeze, i run, i scream i tell him I know he's hiding Him he lives within he promises he's all himself but my world is shadowed in multiple layers my lover and Him are both there overlapped like a map with multiple variables how can i not fear how can i not carry this how can i trust my judgments how can i distrust my judgments how can i be sure he's not around the corner inside my lover waiting for me to rest to let go, to drop my shoulders, show my soul so he can grasp and twist and maul all with a smile and a later denial "it wasn't me, maybe it was Him"

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