i'm not sound
i'm not stable
i still feel irrational and anxiet-ied nearly 99% of the time
it doesn't help i've had a seizure and have an MRI scheduled
with IV sedation which includes fentanyl
which i am a recovering addict
so this shit's fucking S c a r Y
i feel sick to my stomach thinking of it
and it's not for another 23 days
but
i also have an EEG scheduled
and that's scary too
because
anxiety
and
mental health
and so i will sit here
and type out my feelings
while somehow being vaguely manic
breathe dylan
i need you to breathe
dude
you're being stupid
shut the fuck up you little bitch
you're being irrational
nobody likes an irrational person
therefore
nobody likes you
and you will die alone
everything in your life leading you to this moment is utter bullshit and make no sense
so just go do something else
and stop being stupid
but
but but
i found someone who actually
like
likes me for me
and respects me and my brain before my body
and it's beautifully strange but somehow familiarly heartwrenching
i don't like it
i don't like feeling this way
and my brain
working this way
so i will continue to write
until my music or brain thoughts stop
which is a hard question to see which will end first
fuck is this really my future?