I can’t put into words the way he made me feel when it was all over. He was like a breath of fresh air. Bright and fulfilling. He filled my lungs and helped me breathe. But, the day he left still haunted me like a demon who’s latched itself to me. Sometimes you don’t even realize its there. But, it is. Always. Draining you with each step making it harder to move all together. Not being able to do the little things. Anything. When he walked through the threshold for the last time, the same breathe he brought to fill my lungs was taken in an instant. Leaving me gasping for air until I pass out on the floor.
Seconds turned into minutes, minutes to hours, hours to day, days to weeks, weeks to months, and months to years. I was living in despair and depression for almost three years. I became so good at hiding my emotions that I began to believe myself. School was fine, work was fine. Everything was “fine” except me. Id hide my feeling or over work myself so I wouldn’t feel sad. The days would drag but me keeping myself occupied seemed to work until I got home. Id lay in an empty bed, stare into the shallow darkness and feel everything. All. At. Once. It hit like a Mac truck. My chest would begin to sink. My lip would begin to quiver, and as I reached across the bed hoping to feel the warmth of your body, I was left with nothing but cold, broken hopes. Leaving me breathless and empty.
As the years went on I kept wondering why I was still feeling so bad. Maybe its because you were my first. Maybe its because your words were as smooth as butter. Until one morning, I decided to stop. I stopping thinking of the “ what ifs’ & ‘could’ve beens”. I stopped feeling sorry for myself. I was stuck in the same place for years. I wanted to change. Not for anyone or anything. I wanted to change for me. I started hanging out with my friends more. I started reading and drawing more. I still had my wall up. Possibly an even bigger and sturdier one than before. I was starting to feel happy again. Appreciating the little things I might not have seen before. I was also staring to forget. His birthday. His height. His eye color. All the things that I loved that brought me so much pain, was finally going away.
About three years have passed. At last. Im finally over him. Long pep talks to myself in the mirror before I start my day. Little self reminders that I can get through anything. It took some time and a lot of strength but I was finally over him. The long nights of me overthinking and crying myself to sleep was finally over. I was finding myself again and I wasn’t going to let anyone ruin it.