hi i'm dylan
king of nervous thoughts
today's nervous thought is brought to you by
trauamaticmemories.com
in which we remember the overdose and precipitating events
leading in towards the overdose
and we second guess every good that's happened since then
and so stimulants naturally make dylan paranoid
so you'd think without them, he wouldn't be...
well, it's still emotional withdrawal peak time,
so the paranoia is in full blast
~
so why do i deserve good things?
like, what's so special about the good things i experience?
~
it makes me heartbroken that such a thought
can exist
while being tremendously content
and holding the person i'm falling in love with
~
i feel shame
for having done things
that are in my past
that i have to sit with at night
i keep trying to run away from that,
but it keeps haunting me at night
~
like phantom limb syndrome
i will still feel the addict nerve endings shift and grind
against the proactive, recovery-oriented, lovely nerves,
and it will HURT.
~
i will squirm
cry
hurt
&
crumble
~
but i will rise again
to hold my love
and give her one last kiss on the neck
before turning my nose towards her to acknowledge
"it's time to go to bed"
~
and that is my train of thought
today
at
3:22 pm
on Sunday
March
29th
in 2020