As a little kid, you protected me at night
When I said the shema one word at a time
Repeating the lines about the angels, I envisioned them surrounding me, protecting me and then drifted off to sleep in a womb like serenity
I prayed dillgently to you at school prayer time
I got stickers from my teachers "morahs" we called them
Who told me to scream out the prayers even louder
And so I did and  I got a star for best davener
My teachers always told me, God was proud of me, I knew you were
You cured all the sick people I prayed for - all of them
You sat next to me in  shuls, at the brachos parties, the tehillim groups
There was no healing without you
You told me what I could and couldn’t eat
And I listened
You were my inner voice, my soul, my mind
God you were my everything
You made me make sense of the chaos

But one day
Like waking up from a nightmare
You just weren't there
Not in the way I imagine you anyways
And when I realized it was all a façade
You just faded into fog
Like a drifting cirrus cloud
Popped like an overfull balloon
And I haven't seen you since

And so I lost my safety
My father
My friend
My guidebook
And I mourn

For now I'm left with miles and miles of earth
Mobs of people
Faces and more faces
Subway lines and library silences
Coffee shops and hidden pubs
Music, art, and human opinion
To make sense of on my own

Like an intricate maze
Foul play it is
This world, this overshadowed earth
A total confusion
God you left me
And now I'm all alone