i do everything i can to remember you.

when i listen to silence i think about yours
how you rarely said a word and
somebody like me could never understand

when i stood beneath the sydney harbor bridge and watched the sky explode into every color
i thought about you exactly one year earlier
i pictured you smiling at the southern stars
and i smiled to myself
smug
knowing i was the only girl to whom you'd told that story

the only girl you may have loved

when i'd hear skeggs on the radio during summer in gerroa
when i lifted my surf board over my head on seven mile beach
when i met another boy
also tall. also dark. also handsome.

i realized that i'd been searching for the best pieces of you in every new chapter of my life

i put on an old sundress i know you loved. i thought about the way you would look at me when i'd wear it.

i think about all of the things you would do to me if you saw me in my new sundress.

i let my mind wander to every undignified place as i struggle to focus on now.

on Right Now.

i do everything i can to remember you
so i don't hate myself for not knowing how to forget.