really understand
-
what my brain is feeling
or thinking
even emitting
-
i can't really accept
what is actually happening
-
it's like i watch myself have
the consequences
but
i never actually can 'feel' them
-
drugs can **** up a lot
in a short amount of time
and that **** ain't cool
it's a fine and narrow line
-
one moment
you have control on everything
and the next
you get that one hit
or the higher quality
or even your grandma sends some cash
and you get more than you've ever had
and
nothing is ever the same
-
no more thinking
no more feeling
no more theories
no more genuineness
no more identity
-
more dissociation
more depression
more starving
more deadly activities
more ******* around
-
if i became homeless
i'd end up saying bet
if someone shot me tomorrow
i'd die somewhat happy
but nowhere near content
if i lost my mom tomorrow
i'd smoke 4 blunts
and if i killed myself tonight
i'd die proud
-
somehow my life went from
****** grades
trauma and abuse
with a side of physical aggression
and suicide attempt after suicide attempt

to

near death expereinces
fentanyl spiked drugs
coming to appointments high
but don't forget the time i ****** someone to get high
and lastly, trying to die because i cannot find the
means to forget about
all the unimaginable and traumatic
decisions and moments
i've ever wanted to forget
-
please don't let me leave this alive?