It’s that moment when I’m two beers in
It numbs me enough not to notice my pain
But not enough to numb my feelings
It’s the closets thing I have to peace

The problem is the feeling can’t be sustained
No more beers and the feeling wears off and the reality comes back
Another beer in, and I loose touch with reality

If I was granted one wish
It would be to capture that moment when you lay on a couch and think of nothing
Just relax
To have a shower and feel the day wash off you
I haven’t had the day wash off feeling in over 6 months
Can you imagine that
The same day troubles on top of the same day troubles
No reset

I can’t imagine a future so I don’t
I can’t imagine tomorrow  so I don’t
I can’t vision being happy so I don’t

There is no way of living for me rather than one second at a time
And sometimes I just don’t want to live in that second, so I don’t
I die
In someway I die

There seems to be more dying moments than living ones of late

I try to distract my self by keeping busy
Look for new job
Buy a motorbike
Play tennis after work
Climb after work
Footy after work
Swim after work

I’m so ******* exhausted
It’s all so exhausting
But at least than I sleep
Unless I have a nightmare
That wakes me up
Heart beating so fast
Anxiety!
Anxiety!

I can’t wait to get home and drink two beers
Bring me back to that level again
So fleeting
So unstable
Tired
Sad
Exhausted

I wish the government would subsidised my smoking and drinking costs
Put it down as mental health care

I’m finding it hard to express myself

I need help
But I’m told I have to help myself
I guess I wish I was still just a kid
I guess I wish I never lost my innocence
I guess I wish I never lost my mum

I’m scared of when smoking doesn’t work anymore
Then what do I do

When did this get all so complicated
How did this get all so messed up?