August 31, 2018

I used to write when the feelings were so strong I thought I might drown in them

I used to write because I saw no other way out, no way to escape the darkness pressing in on me

Suffocating

I used to write to distract myself. To keep calm. To remind myself to stay sane.

"You are fine. You are okay."

That was my mantra.

October 1, 2019

Thirteen months and one day later,
that mantra still hold true some days

I’m fine (far from it)
I am okay (surface level lie)

however

That is not every day

There are shafts of sunlight breaking through the suffocating darkness
Rays of surreal peace
Peals of genuine laughter

Moments that tether me when I just don’t want to go on
Reminders of those who care
Those who love me when I am drowning in my feelings  
They who lift the mask off my face, look into my flat eyes and say

I care
I love
You don’t have to be fine
You don’t have to be okay
I am here
With you
And I’m not going anywhere
No matter what