May 2013
Never confuse my mercy as submission, my kindness as permission.
I no longer love like a hurricane, but if you make me stop you better hope I don't stay.
Because I will bring the flood like you've never seen a dry day,
bring lightning down like a god sent it and set the forest ablaze
so not even Gaia can mend it.
And finally you will listen when I say enough.
Because yes, it has been enough.
Even if you never listened the first time, it has been enough,
more than enough.
And I've made my mistakes, no doubt.
I've stepped through glass and smiled instead of just bowing out.
I've let pride and fear conquer my last few years
until I no longer knew what I was asking to hear.
No one knows me anymore.
And I don't really know when it stopped.
I've traveled in this body for 20 years and it's held me in this long.
But sometimes it feels like it is bleeding out.
Like I am too much for this tiny skin sack to hold.
Like if I scream too loud it just may explode,
but scream I must do because when I try to talk my voice gets lost.
No one ever hears me and I can scream, I can try, but no one ever listens until I cry.
Until I overflow.
Until I've spent so many days alone in my head
that my soul begins to crack
and my head begins to screech
and I can feel my heart begin to bleed
with all the emotions that you didn't care to see.
I feel like an earthquake is shattering through me, rocking my core.
And still you don't see me.
My shame outweighs my pain
so I hide away so no one can pity my remains.
I smile so hard my back hurts from carrying my lies
so pardon my lack of surprise
when you want me to carry more of the weight of your life.
Oh it's not that I would normally mind,
but could you please open your eyes,
look inside,
and ask when was the last time you ever asked what was on my mind?
That feeling that you spend all day absorbing other peoples problems
and no one ever attempts to hold yours even for a second
in their brain or their heart,
or even their hands.
And I'm not asking that you cradle them or press them to your chest
or even carry them on your back,
but just to hold them in your palm
and run them through your fingers
before you drop them to the ground and walk away.
I'm tired of holding things to my chest
and letting them block my heart from access
so no one can see my pain.
Because I spend more time saying your name
than I ever spend saying "I."
I need and I want,
but you want harder and you need harder
so I take my time to stop your crying and
I wonder in my head the next time my time will be just mine.
I spend too much time of mine alone crying,
but still not enough than when I have to sit with you smiling
while my head aches and my heart is dying.
So be careful when you tell someone "You'll never be in more pain than I" because you do not know what is on their mind, you do not know what made them cry, cry so hard that one night they wondered if their pillow would ever be dry.
I no longer love like a hurricane, but if you make me stop you better hope I don't stay.
Because I will bring the flood like you've never seen a dry day,
bring lightning down like a god sent it and set the forest ablaze
so not even Gaia can mend it.
And finally you will listen when I say enough.
Because yes, it has been enough.
Even if you never listened the first time, it has been enough,
more than enough.
And I've made my mistakes, no doubt.
I've stepped through glass and smiled instead of just bowing out.
I've let pride and fear conquer my last few years
until I no longer knew what I was asking to hear.
No one knows me anymore.
And I don't really know when it stopped.
I've traveled in this body for 20 years and it's held me in this long.
But sometimes it feels like it is bleeding out.
Like I am too much for this tiny skin sack to hold.
Like if I scream too loud it just may explode,
but scream I must do because when I try to talk my voice gets lost.
No one ever hears me and I can scream, I can try, but no one ever listens until I cry.
Until I overflow.
Until I've spent so many days alone in my head
that my soul begins to crack
and my head begins to screech
and I can feel my heart begin to bleed
with all the emotions that you didn't care to see.
I feel like an earthquake is shattering through me, rocking my core.
And still you don't see me.
My shame outweighs my pain
so I hide away so no one can pity my remains.
I smile so hard my back hurts from carrying my lies
so pardon my lack of surprise
when you want me to carry more of the weight of your life.
Oh it's not that I would normally mind,
but could you please open your eyes,
look inside,
and ask when was the last time you ever asked what was on my mind?
That feeling that you spend all day absorbing other peoples problems
and no one ever attempts to hold yours even for a second
in their brain or their heart,
or even their hands.
And I'm not asking that you cradle them or press them to your chest
or even carry them on your back,
but just to hold them in your palm
and run them through your fingers
before you drop them to the ground and walk away.
I'm tired of holding things to my chest
and letting them block my heart from access
so no one can see my pain.
Because I spend more time saying your name
than I ever spend saying "I."
I need and I want,
but you want harder and you need harder
so I take my time to stop your crying and
I wonder in my head the next time my time will be just mine.
I spend too much time of mine alone crying,
but still not enough than when I have to sit with you smiling
while my head aches and my heart is dying.
So be careful when you tell someone "You'll never be in more pain than I" because you do not know what is on their mind, you do not know what made them cry, cry so hard that one night they wondered if their pillow would ever be dry.
