I don't know where to begin,
I don't know if I should.
After all they are only words.
Words that no one cares about.
Gone are the days of hope.
Yes, something negative - again!
No one wants to be near someone who hurts.
I am sad.
I can't be different.
It's a circle.
I hurt, no one cares, I hurt more.
Round and round it goes.
I don't like me.
I don't like the life I've had.
It started with abuse as a child.
Leading to abuse as an adult.
I allowed the love in that was there.
Even if I shouldn't have.
Then I got sick.
So very sick.
But somehow, I stay alive.
Tortured by doing so.
There is no one near.
So I try to drown the pain.
Pills and drink.
The pain is dulled, ever present.
How long can I do this?
Somewhere, deep down,
Underneath the cancer of addiction and disease,
Is a hope.
Hope.
I can barely see it but it smells pretty.
I am no where near it.
But I know it's there.
I have become a burden.
To the one person who is near me.
The one person who loves me -
Who used to believe in me.
Everything is said in the eyes
And the absence of smiles.
I wanted to be a writer.
I wanted to create beautiful stories.
I didn't want to be sick,
Or to be dead while breathing.
I wanted more.
No one wants to be near someone who hurts.