I've been thinking a lot about the guns
the split second of pain & crashing & terror
before the explosion, the release,
the sighing of my lungs & the emptying of my mind
end to the psychosis
  the hallucinations
  the empty cathedrals
  the backstroke & the ****** noses

I've been thinking about the drugs
the layers of numbing comfort
  distance
  denial
I screen my eyes with until I don't squint in the sun anymore

I've been thinking about the walls
I stare at for hours
I want to peel off the top-coat & see what's underneath

I've been thinking about the day you left me
the chair I sat in
the new cigarette I would pick up & light from the final drag of the old
the boxes that one by one moved themselves out our front door
the way you looked at me when you said goodbye
the way the house looked so empty
the new cigarette
the chair I sat in
the leaves that changed from green to red to brown to whisked away in wind
the day that you left
&the; walls ever since
&the; drugs ever since
&the; guns ever since