When they said you were sick
I might have been a little surprised
But I wasn't shocked
Because I had a feeling
That there might have been something wrong with you
Convincing myself it wasn't true
Yet that didn't stop the tears that kept rolling down
The ache I felt knowing now
Everything would turn completely around
Because when they told us
You denied it, claimed they made a mistake
That it was impossible
Almost in the aspect— you hadn't calculated that
Out of all the equations you had
Nothing prepared you for that
I held your hand, hoping you could tell
That it was going to be okay
That at some point, you’d know we were going to make it through
As we pulled in the driveway
She came running down those steps
And even though we had just received—it seemed—the worst news
You still picked her up and swung her around
Carrying her in the house before setting her down
I think it was better
When you were around her
Because your eyes always shined when you were with her
For that reason, I knew, we’d make it through
Granted it was tough
Because we pushed
We’d fight, yell, and scream
Then remember where we were and just stare at the other
We could have whole conversations like that
But I think what surprised me the most about the diagnose
Was neither of our reactions but it was after
There’s a moment when the world stands still
And the information gets digested
There’s a clarity of disbelief, a gnawing acceptance
With the biting and pinching reality of denial
That moment where all those emotions creep in
There’s my hand in yours
Letting you know you’re not alone
That someone is there…and with that thought
The world doesn't seem so hard
Because it’s like that place you escape to
It’s not the place that gives you peace
It’s the person you’re with when you do
You were always mine
Even when we were kids
So a night….years after
As the stars were out
The moon had spread the light around
Warmth began to settle in
Your hazel enriched eyes stared into mine
I thought there was a time when we were kids
And the world was innocent
As we grew, we changed
The world became difficult
It was hard to see through
Yet we had come so far
We had created another
A beautiful little girl—who looked a lot like you
There was a night in the full moon
When you looked at me and told me you loved me….always
And then the world seemed pretty manageable from my end
Even after you were gone and she was grown
She always knew what a great father you were
And I will love you….infinitely
I never really looked in that notebook
But I was going through some of your things
And it slipped out
I couldn't help myself
I had to know what was inside
So I started from the beginning
It went back all the way to when we were kids
But as dates changed
I saw little notes apart from the equations
My name was written a couple of times
There were these quotes you kept saying
And then I came to this one page
Where you sketched me out
Looking off into the distance
I looked at the date
It was the summer before college
Way before I visited you
And we were at that place, where we escaped
Below the picture
In your messy handwriting
Were the words, *I love you