between lightening rods and moon beams,
we danced,
i remember it vividly because
i wasn't there.
if people say i'm interesting,
i wonder how many beautiful things i can't see in this world,
what is everyone seeing in the world?
i can't see.
i wasn't there.
my mind was with the lightening rods,
as i intricately imagined the perfection
in their creation,
you couldn't have been a mistake,
who are you trying to convince?
i was imagining what would happened if
i died,
if i cracked my skull open,
if it got trampled,
if the crowd forgot me,
if my toe would suffer,
if my shoes were getting *****,
if i should just let the crowd take me,
and i did.
i give in.
it's not enough,
i still can't feel.
i yearn for the cold air,
just to make sure i can still feel it.
that's cliche. scratch that.
because it's a contrast.
it calms me.
i'm never satisfied.
use your strengths, baby girl.
critically analyze yourself,
and radically restructure your being.
enough with the band-aids.
they heal, but they cover-up wounds,
make them puffy,
leave scars,
and pull your hair when you go to peel them off.
what are your deepest fears?
to be a contradiction.
to be judged.
to disappoint.
to die alone.
to die.
i can't fix this.
i will be a crazy person.
i am a crazy person.
my mom dying.
watching people suffer and knowing i'm privileged,
hurting people,
my ***** not being big enough to feed my future children,
not having enough flesh to carry a child,
being manipulated,
being tricked,
being innocent,
being inexperienced,
being me,
drugs,
addiction,
kissing,
having ***,
being fat,
looking like a man,
getting a heart attack at age 21,
disappointing,
men,
power,
control.
he says, "have confidence in everything you do , if you are gunna doubt anything, doubt your fears."
whatever the **** that means.