To this day, flowers still make me feel uncomfortable
The sight of the split-level house with flowers overflowing in the entryway
never went away
The only way to get into the house was to pass by those flowers
Then you could go upstairs or downstairs
But no matter what
they followed you

I can’t remember my immediate reaction
I can’t remember a lot of things

I remember staring out the window
Sitting on the edge of the couch
Not speaking
I didn’t want to say a word

There were so many people
Too many people with too good of intentions
I didn’t want them there

When they weren’t touching my arm
Or sitting next to me telling me
“it’s okay”
I heard their whispers
About how I didn’t cry
And I wouldn’t speak

It’s been 10 years

I remember my older brother
Locking himself in his room
Crying
And crying
My baby brother that didn’t understand
With all the people he was in the mood for a party
There was food and friends and family
He was smarter than all of us

My mom
Couldn’t get herself together
I had never seen her like that
And I’d never see her whole again

That thanksgiving
I wasn’t thankful for much
I was thankful the funeral was finally over
Whether it was him in the coffin or not

And so we moved
And moved on
And started over
But it doesn’t really work like that

Maybe irony isn’t the word
But I find it ironic for her funeral to be
On the same day as his
Just a decade later

And I don’t want to go
I don’t want to watch
Anyone else I love
Be buried in the ground

I don’t want to sit in front of all the food people made
That no one wants to eat
I don’t want to see the flowers
Like the ones in my old house

Because I remember watching the flowers die
Like everything else