I told myself long ago that it was better to feel nothing, to feel nothing at all in a wash of grey melodrama, than to experience this pain.
And I did succeed in feeling nothing, for a time, through many, many different vices. But I forgot that I chose to feel nothing. I forgot it was my decision to get into that habit, of blaming everyone else, because if I accepted it, it was my fault and therefore could be subjected to it's feeling.

And I think we all choose this when we are very young, because it is ****** upon us in this unforgiving world and we forget that it is our mentality, our way of thinking, our way out of pain that causes us the long term damage, and develops into mental, illnesses. And then once it is an illness, it its attacked or defended at all costs.

I am so used to opposing every feeling, thought, potentially good relationship because I am still bleeding from the heartache of my young life, the shockingly painful trauma that we try to decipher with a child's mind. In everyone's lives it is just as fresh, no matter the experience.

I looked to actors as role models, when my parents proved that they were human too. Then to fantasies, to games, to escape life, even just for a little while. I was constantly in the dark, hiding away from the pain. And along the way, I forgot how to turn the light back on. I forgot that the switch had always been in my hands, that it was my decision to turn it off in the first place.
And I don't think the pain is too bad anymore. The past can only hurt us if we don't accept it.