ii
truth is it's in my face.
Like flesh with its pinching-baby's-cheeks elusive quality
And I’ve been searching for it all my life.
Standing in a dream now with memories of Nadine,
and Kathy, and my sis,
them waiting for the instructs on the passion of boys.
Nadine said, "looook! This is how it's done!
Come here boy, close your eyes.”
But I never did. I stood looking shy
into that beauty that men vision,
the dream state of tongue-open
and a French kiss of a vision
Nadine went frost.
All frosty in gray flannel pajamas
like the stuff of grownup seeds
and grown men
like passion flowers
the midst of May,
the mist of Forget-me-nots.
I just opened wide for that.
I stood wild-in me, and smiled
smiled smiled at the wet of her.
She liked me. I was cool.
Kathy was the frightened one.
I was 10 she was 14.
Her kiss was like a hot
shower. Too wet from nervousness,
and too long.
My god, she never got it right.
Like long goodbyes,
she kissed me again and again.
I was a sad boy, all trimmed and proper
to then. I'd never kissed, touched dreams.
But the one, my mum, like truth.
I dreamed early, like a sick cow
giving birth.
Like my home
the barn was hot,
and too dry, too small
my legs cramped often.
my house was, "shh shhhh" quiet.
quiet like church-mice,
library prayers
A house of gables and suspended
In the middle by attrition, stimulation
I looked up; I was wet from sweat
a child's dream.
I was lying in a big bed. fluffy,
like hot rice-warm,
and the sweet smell of that illusive grace,
like candy, like ballroom dancing, like learning
to walk. you put him at an end and say,
"here baby, right here,
oh, right there, you can do it for mommy!"
And then, the waking. the waking in dreams
once, and once, and once, and...
Once I can't remember how long. it was before the falling
and failing and chastened chasing dreams,
chased, by who-knows
I woke, on soft rice, just before I was thinking:
loud hits, scores, long runs to second base dreams
ocean dreams of float-boats, invisible to eyes, and patience,
I'm going a long way
I woke just then on soft rice
and mum was there, not feeding other eggs,
Mum made me eggs all the time,
did I mention that?
she loved eggs and fed me cold.
it was my prayer that she feed me, even cold.
I laughed, woke laughing, and just looked up at
mum; no face, no eyes,
like canvas cover dreaming back
and a light, like the light now in my sky
centered in me with smiles.
How do I see smiles with no faces?
~ii
Kathy was like licorice.
forbidden in my house
because it stains teeth. just that.
forbidden, like child-dreams of adult love,
like the saliva taste,
better, bitter, just eat whole,
shells and all. appetite
like hers didn't come till late in life,
to be first in a kiss-line,
make wet like nobodies business
and just kiss. Nadine knew.
No people asking, no explaining,
she just smiled at Kathy, red-faced wonder,
******* sloping to an angle of me,
not pointing I was on the floor
anywhere, just firm like resolve
with a back just a little rounded in embarrassment
and Nadine laughed like hell.
and so did I.
She pointed to the door.
And I pointed with laughing eyes.
"Out boy, we're finished!"
What a wonderful dream. I can still taste it.
~ii
Kathy worked at a grocery store last time I saw.
and she smiled that big toothy smile, and said,
"Boy, you grew up!"
my god, her beauty haunts me,
her laughs and kisses
pulled me to those days.
i've never spoken these love-truths
out loud. lately grace nudges the mind of me.
Me, I just listen like this day
when beauty scars and scares me
like frightened joy
like truth flash flesh and light
like beauty coming from the sky.