Fateful

Sometimes I walk through the halls in the dark and remember Sometimes I look down into the toilet and see the pills and poison I threw up that night Sometimes I wake up and do not remember falling asleep and I am terrified to think: What if I did it again? I know I didn’t want to Sometimes I want to leave the house again in the dead of night and walk back down that road Just to see if I could find that place again To feel the presence of God And the cold in the air And know that I am going to be okay. I know there is a crumpled suicide note somewhere in the walls of this room I have not read it I am afraid to. I am more afraid someone else will find it first That they will think it recent Because Because maybe I didn’t date it But maybe I did. I don’t remember why I came back I don’t remember the final thud of the hammer of reasons against the nail of decisions. I remember crying The cold seeping to the bones The streams of messages All from one person Lingering by the road sign for one last goodbye Back and forth Back and forth. Please let me go. I come to the crossroads I linger Think about turning around Don’t be a screwup, boy Not any more than you already are. Mama’s gonna kill me But isn’t that what I wanted? What do I want? Mama’s gonna kill me When I come home How am I gonna break this I talked to myself all the way back “I’ll explain on the way there Just take me to the hospital.” I lost my courage after hurling what looked like fucking orange crush I can taste death in the soda pop. Driving 90 on the highway curve I’ve lost my way I’ve lost all sense of time and space I’ve lost me. 08:05 Geometry 12:34 History I have to tell them what you did They have to know Poor boys Housing a freak show. “I heard you walking around. but I just went back to sleep.” "Girlie" Get better soon The flinch in my tired heart Her teardrops and a lost embrace Mama’s in the backseat “My baby tried to kill herself” I still have those clothes I could have died in I think I'm wearing the pants As I write this past one in the morning I know exactly where the shirt is Crumpled in the drawer. Just a stomachache. Back to school tomorrow. Then someday I’ll come clean. Sometimes I wish I’d said yes I wish they would have known to coddle me To treat me like a broken vase A tortured child who’s seen to much That’s all I was. But now I’ve superglue. And I'm healing. In order to see the truth within Sometimes I have to turn around.

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Written by

jonas423

21 / M / USA

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