New Year , New Me ? Right ? But it’s not a new me just a new year I’m still me. Plain old me . Sarcastic check . ******* check . Indecisive check ,check Lonely check ,check ,check ,check Codependent but pretending not to be . Check . I’m still using my favorite line It’s the same old conversation How are you doing And it’s the same old answer “okay “ “Never been better “ “ Can’t complain “ “Taking it one day at a time “ If their was an award for how much lies you can say in a 5 minute conversation I’ve won it . And yes I said five minutes Did I forgot to tick the “loose interest fast” box . I’ve constantly been hiding behind these phrases because let’s be real , Even if they cared to ask if your okay It’s not like they have the answers to your problem or a solution to your dilemma . But hey it’s the thought that counts . But I’m still left to deal with my **** on my own . The truth is.. I’m not okay but you know that already. It’s a common reply people use to distract themselves and their conversation partner from what really is going on . I’m a mess . I’m unsure of my future . I have a should or should I not thing going on with my ex, “It’s complicated” but also not so complicated . We’ve all been there Delete the number? , Forget he ever existed? Fun . Logical. If only you could delete the memories and somehow get amnesia but only for the time you were together. Not so easy is it . But you try to move forward because what else are you gonna do ? I’m obviously still working on the “moving forward “ part . Speaking of “moving” Let’s move right along on this emotional train wreck. I’m stagnant. I’m afraid . Afraid to take that step , I want it to be not of uncertainty but faith . I want it to mean something . To be a new beginning for me. I don’t want to regret it . Whatever happens at-least I took that chance to not think and just do . I’m confused Who am I? What am I capable of? What do I love ? Who do I love ? How do I love ? Am I loved ? Can’t complain??? Yeah Right . I complain every single day about Me, Him , Her , Them , Hungry for acceptance. Bleeding desperation . Starved for self reflection. Terrified by fear of rejection. All of this masked by a simple “okay” “Can’t complain “ “Never been better “ “One day at time “ Oops and don’t forget to finish with a smile.
I honestly never freed my mind like this .. I’m usually trying hard to rhyme to say just enough to not run on and on and this might not be a considered a poem but it’s what I felt like writing and it’s where I’m at right now unfinished but real . This is my platform and I’ll write what and how I feel . Ps it’s still pretty hard with my naming so bare with me .