He loves me!
(He loves you not.)
Oh, look, he gave me flowers!
(That were on last-second sale, two-ninety-nine.)
Can you believe these diamond earrings?
(No, I cannot, for they’re costume,
fake like his love for you,
which lies only between his legs.)
Such a heart-warming card!
(To make up for the fact he totally forgot.)
How did I ever deserve this?
(You don’t, you deserve better.)
He must really love me!
(Or rather, fears your emotional wrath.)
He broke up with me.
“My sincerest apologies.”
*(As if I didn’t see it coming.)