Apr 2013
Good morning, class! I am your substitute teacher, and I will be teaching you your ABC’s today. Let’s not waste time and just dive right in!
A is for Anxiety. That’s that feeling you get when you go to recess and see the bullies waiting for you on the playground.
B is for *******. If you don’t know what that means, that’s when your daddy abandons you before he even gave you a chance.
C is for Cranky. That’s what I feel right now because I had to get up early today to come in here to teach you brats your alphabet, and I’m getting paid **** for it.
D is for Dog. Mine died, and if you have one, yours will eventually die too. That’s another D word for ya.
E is for Empty. Empty hearts. Empty souls. Empty stares. Empty lives.
F is for Friends. Friends will **** all over you.
G is for Girlfriends. They’ll rip out your heart and stomp all over it.
H is for Hell. It’s the world we live in.
I is for Idiot. Which is what you are if you ask a question.
J is for *******. Which is another term for donkey – another D word.
K is for Knife.
L is for Love. Your parents will tell you they love you, but they don’t mean it.
M is for Money. If you want to make a lot of it when you grow up, deal drugs.
N is for Neglect. That means when your parents ignore you cause they’re too busy with their pretentious jobs and their extramarital affairs. If you don’t know what that means, don’t worry. Time will teach you.
O is for Optimistic. Stay positive – just not ***-positive.
P is for *******. Judging by the intelligence level of this class, that is a bright career opportunity for several of you.
Q is for Queasy. Which is what you feel when you are hungover.
R is for Respect. You don’t earn it. You take it.
S is for Secrets that no one will ever keep.
T is for Tranquilizer. I have one waiting for me for when I get home tonight.
U is for Ugly. That’s adolescence.
V is for… Only girls have them.
W is for Wood Chuck. How much wood could a wood chuck chuck if a wood chuck could chuck wood?
X is for Xenophobic. That’s what you will all grow up to be because your mom taught you to never talk to strangers.
Y is for Yes. That's what you have to say to everyone to get anywhere in life.
Z is for Zoloft. I should probably up my dose.
A is for Anxiety. That’s that feeling you get when you go to recess and see the bullies waiting for you on the playground.
B is for *******. If you don’t know what that means, that’s when your daddy abandons you before he even gave you a chance.
C is for Cranky. That’s what I feel right now because I had to get up early today to come in here to teach you brats your alphabet, and I’m getting paid **** for it.
D is for Dog. Mine died, and if you have one, yours will eventually die too. That’s another D word for ya.
E is for Empty. Empty hearts. Empty souls. Empty stares. Empty lives.
F is for Friends. Friends will **** all over you.
G is for Girlfriends. They’ll rip out your heart and stomp all over it.
H is for Hell. It’s the world we live in.
I is for Idiot. Which is what you are if you ask a question.
J is for *******. Which is another term for donkey – another D word.
K is for Knife.
L is for Love. Your parents will tell you they love you, but they don’t mean it.
M is for Money. If you want to make a lot of it when you grow up, deal drugs.
N is for Neglect. That means when your parents ignore you cause they’re too busy with their pretentious jobs and their extramarital affairs. If you don’t know what that means, don’t worry. Time will teach you.
O is for Optimistic. Stay positive – just not ***-positive.
P is for *******. Judging by the intelligence level of this class, that is a bright career opportunity for several of you.
Q is for Queasy. Which is what you feel when you are hungover.
R is for Respect. You don’t earn it. You take it.
S is for Secrets that no one will ever keep.
T is for Tranquilizer. I have one waiting for me for when I get home tonight.
U is for Ugly. That’s adolescence.
V is for… Only girls have them.
W is for Wood Chuck. How much wood could a wood chuck chuck if a wood chuck could chuck wood?
X is for Xenophobic. That’s what you will all grow up to be because your mom taught you to never talk to strangers.
Y is for Yes. That's what you have to say to everyone to get anywhere in life.
Z is for Zoloft. I should probably up my dose.
