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Dec 2019
You pretend I'm beautiful so that you can tell your friends that I am.
You pretend I'm beautiful to please yourself, but I'm not beautiful.
I'm like poetry.
I am unbalanced and messy and confused and sad and dark and powerless.
But I act soft and beautiful to please you.
And even though you know it's wrong you go along with it.
I am not words on a page, I am not a sentence strung together with misplaced syllables and adjectives.
I am broken bones and scraped knees and tangled hair and an aching mind.
I want to be gorgeous and stunning and flawless but I just can't be.
The fact is, that my mind is a mess and I can't hold myself up with both hands while trying to drag you along on my 'fairy-tale'.
I am lost.
Lost within this messed up world.
I have nowhere to go, no one to talk to, nowhere I actually belong.
I want to tell you about my flaws, about how my imperfections are holding me back from something truly beautiful, but I don't want to inconvenience you with my issues.
So i write and I always knew salt water was never good for ink and typing this up is difficult because the words i scrawled down the other night are warped and distorted into angry, deep blue blobs of nothing.
They have been ruined by the hate and the sadness that only my heart can hold.
But I always write in ink so then you can't erase it, just like I can't erase the stupid love messages you carved into my heart until they were believable.
And I guess that salt water was never good for you either. Because whenever I pressed into you with those emotions running down my cheeks you pulled away slightly, and held me looser.
So I tried to pretend that my tears were really just ***** of happiness
Dipped in salt.
That my sadness was happiness disguised in a black coat.
And now all I really want is to be the poetry you want me to be.
I want to be the fresh flowers in the vase,
I want to be the towel, straight out of the dryer,
I want to be the clean sheets on a bed.
I want to be fresh and clean and soft and pretty for you.
But I just can't.
Laura Coulton
Written by
Laura Coulton  24/F/New Zealand
(24/F/New Zealand)   
110
 
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