And I never told you how I feel
Poisoned, like a tired old thing which has
Died and been magicked back to life in the same
Lumpy, raggedy body
Sawdust at the seams, eyes dull from rubbing
A velveteen rabbit worn to skin, fit for the fire to
Wash away the contagion and stink of sickness

I convince myself this is not the case I
Convince people around me this is not the case but after the
Parties are done and the work is gone and the exams are finished I feel
That weariness in my bones that this is who I am
A dead thing that pretends to be alive

You called me silvertongue once,
‘You could sell beans to a bean farmer,’
Let me do you one better, bud,
I’ve been selling beans to myself knowing
That they will never grow
I spit them around me when I feel the grit in my mouth like
Malformed pearls, nuptial gifts to myself
The ultimate scam, they build and build around me, they balance on each other
Higher and higher they pile, pebbles on rocks until they wall me in and I think
This time with fear
What if they grow? What happens if they grow?
Is this what life is? Am I doing it?