i've been a woman for nineteen and a few months years and i've never looked at waitstaff and asked can i get that with a side of guilt? but i should have because it feels like that's what i am ordering instead of fries because all the salt in the world can't cover up the taste of guilt and self loathing i feel for eating sometimes this is for all of the ladies i know who look at cookies longingly, but tell themselves no only to eat an entire box of them later and cry and most women will never admit to it but i've been there and cookies don't taste so good when you're tossing them up and this is for the ladies i have watched in the grocery store eyeballing the candy bars like they are men in dark allies or snakes in the grass because the magazines sitting right beside them are watching you watching that candy bar watching you watching your weight watching those inches around your waist watching you and telling you that you aren't good enough a moment on the lips forever on the- hold that ******* thought because my lips and hips have two things in common-- they are big and they want all this ******* to stop every time a woman prattles off how many calories are in a drink i can't help but correct her in my mind because i know for a fact that there are five more calories in that than she told me because i've been counting calories and playing games with my stomach since second grade. i may be **** at algebra, but i know intake out-take math like i know the smell of my grandma's cigarettes. eating meals with other women is unbearable because i am tiered of having to eat entire cinnamon buns to myself because my friends wont split them with me and i'm tiered of watching women talk about eating too much but wanting to get back on it tomorrow like feeding themselves is a crime and so the next time i go to cookout for a blueberry shake i'll ask you to leave out the guilt because it fills my throat up like sand and my teeth are brittle and tired from being bared and ground while i battle with myself over the baked goods at a coffee shop wondering if i feel like hating myself today