Nov 2019
I dont wanna do this anymore I have zero desire to live.
To feel what im feeling.
To go on with zero worth nor purpose. Robbed of being a mom to my kid.
No rhyme or reason to the madness that has become and that is my "life" .
No longer believing god created me to be a passionate and loving, woman mother and wife.
My body hurts, my head throbs, my heart bleeds, & my soul aches. My breath is taken. Gone.
Either quick short cut off repetitive gasps....or long deep sarrowful sighs....**** near every couple of minutes that pass.
That's not breathing at all....that feels more like suffocating... disinigrating...
Here me loud and clear.
This darkened circus I speak of, is far from imaginary.
It creates, defines, & overrides my reality.
Slowly sinking.
Hereing nothing.
But the taunting click of the clock ticking.
I fantasize of my bleeding...without stopping. Untill there be no more to keep dripping.
Im exhausted and warn down.... By this repetive war im always fighting.
They want to know of who is the enemy that sends me running.
Interesting..
The enemy?...
Sense the beginning of time, my greatest enemy has always been.. ME..and only me.
True ******* pitiful story.
The same sad story,
About how nobody gets me.
Why won't they listen?
Open thier eyes, and even attempt to ******* see!
But iv3 become a ticking time bomb.
The list of times I've tried and failed has gotten so long.
Too long.
Even when i feel strong..it all still goes so wrong.
Stringing me along.
For the ride in which leads & ends to a land of nowhere.
To the bottom of the darkest despair.
Where all the wounds the cuts and the bruises are beyond repair.
Yet tell yourself as you look at me and pretend to care...
That all this just isnt fair.
But you have no idea the mass amounts of pain trauma and suffering...its seems as if I were created to bare.
Its crazy how I manage to **** up but yet I still manage to learn.
I somehow manage to take 3 or 4 steps in the "right"direction..
And even see the rickety tables begin to strengthen and turn.
Relationships restore slowly,
Opportunities arise .
My pieces start to pull back together.
No longer drowning in the tears that fill my eyes.
But wait....what's that? ...
oh yea,
It's the same old same old fanfuckingtastic, never ending, experienced more than one time, demise...
That builds itself into ultimate failures... fueled and fed by a web of the same old ******* lies.
It's a vicious cycle.
Turns out this isnt really a "life".
Not at all.
This... is the never ending cluster **** of the continuous rise and FALL
To feel what im feeling.
To go on with zero worth nor purpose. Robbed of being a mom to my kid.
No rhyme or reason to the madness that has become and that is my "life" .
No longer believing god created me to be a passionate and loving, woman mother and wife.
My body hurts, my head throbs, my heart bleeds, & my soul aches. My breath is taken. Gone.
Either quick short cut off repetitive gasps....or long deep sarrowful sighs....**** near every couple of minutes that pass.
That's not breathing at all....that feels more like suffocating... disinigrating...
Here me loud and clear.
This darkened circus I speak of, is far from imaginary.
It creates, defines, & overrides my reality.
Slowly sinking.
Hereing nothing.
But the taunting click of the clock ticking.
I fantasize of my bleeding...without stopping. Untill there be no more to keep dripping.
Im exhausted and warn down.... By this repetive war im always fighting.
They want to know of who is the enemy that sends me running.
Interesting..
The enemy?...
Sense the beginning of time, my greatest enemy has always been.. ME..and only me.
True ******* pitiful story.
The same sad story,
About how nobody gets me.
Why won't they listen?
Open thier eyes, and even attempt to ******* see!
But iv3 become a ticking time bomb.
The list of times I've tried and failed has gotten so long.
Too long.
Even when i feel strong..it all still goes so wrong.
Stringing me along.
For the ride in which leads & ends to a land of nowhere.
To the bottom of the darkest despair.
Where all the wounds the cuts and the bruises are beyond repair.
Yet tell yourself as you look at me and pretend to care...
That all this just isnt fair.
But you have no idea the mass amounts of pain trauma and suffering...its seems as if I were created to bare.
Its crazy how I manage to **** up but yet I still manage to learn.
I somehow manage to take 3 or 4 steps in the "right"direction..
And even see the rickety tables begin to strengthen and turn.
Relationships restore slowly,
Opportunities arise .
My pieces start to pull back together.
No longer drowning in the tears that fill my eyes.
But wait....what's that? ...
oh yea,
It's the same old same old fanfuckingtastic, never ending, experienced more than one time, demise...
That builds itself into ultimate failures... fueled and fed by a web of the same old ******* lies.
It's a vicious cycle.
Turns out this isnt really a "life".
Not at all.
This... is the never ending cluster **** of the continuous rise and FALL
Reality is painful
