if I'm lucky enough to have a daughter
you better believe that when I promise her that "This'll all get better,"
that it will

I will not say "I do" twenty-one years prior to this December and walk away on October fifth
and if for some reason I happen to see that maybe leaving is the right choice for my daughter and my husband

I will say goodbye and I will say "I'm sorry,"
I won't let my pride get in the way of my daughter's feelings
because nothing hurts more than someone who is a little too proud to admit they know they're hurting their child

a slap in the face hurts too; that's what this is
this isn't a stab in the back
because you don't see those coming
I saw this coming
and I wasn't able to reach my hand up in time to shield my face

to shield my heart

and Dad, I was hoping that when you held my hand when I was little
that same hand holding would carry on into my adult hood
that holding me would turn into shielding me
but your hands that were a shield became narrow, sharp, and pointed
and sliced a wound through my heart

"Keep your hands away from the knife while I'm cutting the food, sweetie"
you'd say to me
I didn't know at this point that I actually needed to stay away from you in order to not get hurt

but the coloring books and teaparties and pinky promises when I was little gave me a false sense of trust
a trust that was lost on October fifth

my trust was replaced with invisible scars on my face, my hands, my brain
my heart

but I'll pinky promise this to you
if I'm lucky enough to have a daughter
you better believe that when I promise her that "This'll all get better"
that it will
and I will help it get better for her

because giving someone something you never had is better than any coloring book or teaparty or pinky promise