today i sit in the sun, letting myself be warmed by its reaching arms.
i imagine they are the arms of a mother, wanting to hold me, love me, watch me cry and wanting me anyway.

but this is not my sun.
this is my mother.

she strikes me, and i feel the most hurt i have ever known. before this, there was no pain. before this, there was no grief. no unimaginable sorrow.

she puts me in a cage,
watching my shoulders shake
my lips move

please love me
please love me
please love me

she shuts the door
and i come to an end
over and over again
dying on repeat
all because i know
in my heart
there is no love
there is tolerance
and lack thereof
which hurts the most.

i reach through the bars
grasping for my sun
as it grows too dark to see
i scream and shout
mother, please love me

stop confronting me with impossible pain.