I light a cigarette I no longer want
To stop my hands from fidgeting
Or holding your hand
Or cupping your breast
Or pushing back
A lock of hair behind your ear
Like in the **** movies you liked
I can smoke now
You’re not around
The novelty ended before the first finished
But I did it anyway
Then another
And another
Now I lose my breath
As I go up the metro steps to Gran Via
To see my mother
Staying at a hotel nicer than any place we had been
We were worse than my parents
And how it looked on the outside
And that was pretty bad.

I could breath for a minute
Before that first cigarette.