Oct 2019
It is blanket
I wrap around myself
sometimes
when I can't sleep.
2. It is a series of places
3. An alley near the canal (rain)
4. Amsterdam by the station (rain)
5. Your parents' house
6. Your shoes near the door
7. Your mother's cigarettes
8. Your sweater she hung
near the window to dry.
9. Faded plastic placemats
10. The intimacy of knowing you that way.
11. Germany, in the corner by the bar
12. The streetlights outside (snow)
13. Places where we kissed the first and last time.
14. Love that came stillborn.
15. A series of distances.
16. It is seeing you in the train station
17. It is your smile - all gums and teeth
18. Touching your arm, hugging you
hellos and goodbyes.
19. The backs of our hands touching
during networking drinks
surrounded by professionals and strangers.
20. It is knowing you've seen me
barebreasted and younger.
21. It is remembering that fact
surrounded by professionals and strangers
during networking drinks
22. It is in the passenger seat of your new car
21. Sitting outside the train station
the day you drove it off the lot
22. Taking the long roads
to your village (familiar to you)
23. showing them to me.
24. It is telling you I still love you
after the networking drinks
in the alley by the canal.
25. It is not knowing why I still
love you.
26. It is a stillborn thing
I still pump the heart of.
26. Blue faced, hands shaking
you stuttering.
27. It is goodbye, take care,
see you when I see you.
28. It is agreeing to marry
someone else.
29. I love him too.
30. It is realising love is
not one cup from
which you drink.
31. It is a deep reservoir from which
you can ladle servings, you can float
below the surface
you can drown.
31. It is a reservoir inside
myself.
32. Love can be collected
like rainwater.
33. Channels running deep
deep below the ground.
34. It is crossing metaphors
36. It is finding reasons
and coping mechanisms
37. It is taking an anti-depressant
pill with my anti-conception pill
every night.
38. It is being truly happy and grateful
and then not.
39. It is talking and talking and talking
40. To my mother, to my sisters,
to my partner (the worst part of all.)
41.It is sending an email that says
I hope you're well
42. I hope it's okay I write.
43. Where are you living now?
44. I hope your happy.
45. I'm going to get married.
46. Say hello to your family for me.
47. It is signing off with nothing
but my name.
48. Old love goes loudly
banging around the space between lines.
49. Old love becomes a part of the fabric
of everything. Sewn into your seams
50. Who are you now?
It is who we have become.
I wrap around myself
sometimes
when I can't sleep.
2. It is a series of places
3. An alley near the canal (rain)
4. Amsterdam by the station (rain)
5. Your parents' house
6. Your shoes near the door
7. Your mother's cigarettes
8. Your sweater she hung
near the window to dry.
9. Faded plastic placemats
10. The intimacy of knowing you that way.
11. Germany, in the corner by the bar
12. The streetlights outside (snow)
13. Places where we kissed the first and last time.
14. Love that came stillborn.
15. A series of distances.
16. It is seeing you in the train station
17. It is your smile - all gums and teeth
18. Touching your arm, hugging you
hellos and goodbyes.
19. The backs of our hands touching
during networking drinks
surrounded by professionals and strangers.
20. It is knowing you've seen me
barebreasted and younger.
21. It is remembering that fact
surrounded by professionals and strangers
during networking drinks
22. It is in the passenger seat of your new car
21. Sitting outside the train station
the day you drove it off the lot
22. Taking the long roads
to your village (familiar to you)
23. showing them to me.
24. It is telling you I still love you
after the networking drinks
in the alley by the canal.
25. It is not knowing why I still
love you.
26. It is a stillborn thing
I still pump the heart of.
26. Blue faced, hands shaking
you stuttering.
27. It is goodbye, take care,
see you when I see you.
28. It is agreeing to marry
someone else.
29. I love him too.
30. It is realising love is
not one cup from
which you drink.
31. It is a deep reservoir from which
you can ladle servings, you can float
below the surface
you can drown.
31. It is a reservoir inside
myself.
32. Love can be collected
like rainwater.
33. Channels running deep
deep below the ground.
34. It is crossing metaphors
36. It is finding reasons
and coping mechanisms
37. It is taking an anti-depressant
pill with my anti-conception pill
every night.
38. It is being truly happy and grateful
and then not.
39. It is talking and talking and talking
40. To my mother, to my sisters,
to my partner (the worst part of all.)
41.It is sending an email that says
I hope you're well
42. I hope it's okay I write.
43. Where are you living now?
44. I hope your happy.
45. I'm going to get married.
46. Say hello to your family for me.
47. It is signing off with nothing
but my name.
48. Old love goes loudly
banging around the space between lines.
49. Old love becomes a part of the fabric
of everything. Sewn into your seams
50. Who are you now?
It is who we have become.
