I agonize over the small things
These days I find myself shedding clothes like so many leaves
I am certain that every combination is as horrid as the last
My shorts are too tight
My bathing suit is too small
My hair is too long
Nothing fits

When I look in the mirror a different beast stares out

She’s a strange creature
Her eyes are frightened but she stands up straight
She looks uncomfortable
She seems to know that she doesn’t fit here
But she comes anyways

I have almost grown used to inhabiting this girl
I’ve learned some of the strange rituals that girls like this do
Learned how to set her hair
Learned what to wear
What to say
How to act

I’m unhappy

It’s probably unrelated
I tell myself I’ll do what I want when it doesn’t reflect on others
God forbid my father has a happy daughter
I let the girls hair grow out
I tell myself I might as well
I buy jeans that fit like gloves around her thighs
They fit her

But I don’t

There are a different girls clothes in her closet
She tries to put them on
To make sense of who they belonged to

She looks in the mirror and I stare back at her
Suddenly I’m smiling
There’s a strange giddiness creeping through my chest

I put the skirt away and tell myself one day

The girl puts on the jeans that fit
And she lets her hair down
She pretends to exist another day