I paced back and forth across the
wooden floor, it didn’t  squeak like
it’s done before

Anxious, full of Xanax and alcohol
to calm my fear, not one creek
did I hear

As she lay in her bed dying that day,
I was a coward in the hallway

She wanted me by her bedside, I stood
out there drinking whiskey as tears filled
my eyes, feeling guilty, telling myself lies

She needed me in there, holding
her hand, kneeling by her bedside-

proclaiming “ I love you!  when you go
a part of me will die”

I never went in,

Now a nagging question
driving me insane,

Was the Cancer or my Weakness-
her greatest pain...