it was at precisely the moment the dirt threatened to rise above my neck
when I saw you

for a while it seemed like the coarseness the roughness
the heat and the insects would never leave
that they would eventually rise over my head and suffocate me
that within it the image of his body lying motionless on the grass
lying in a pool of blood
lying in his green suit
lying in its velvet case
would permanently place itself before my eyes
and force me to relive the day over and over and over again

but then I was in line
and I saw you

the first night we talked I actually believed I was free
for the first time in a long time my fingers could breathe
the dirt no longer threatened to suffocate me
on our first date you flew 300 miles to see me
and I thought you’d leave once you really knew of me
but you took my hand, lifted me, and for the first time in years I felt my feet
the first night we slept together all the remaining sand of physical ruin
hidden between my thighs arms chest collarbones
you brushed away without looking twice
then leaned in again to kiss me

I idolized you in a way that consumed everything
like fire that rained down on my future, my past, the people in my life
all I could see was you
the person who saved me the person who made me
the only person who ever really loved me
I loved you so much sometimes it hurt me to breathe

what would I do if you leave me?

see, I overlooked that trauma is its own thing
I forgot that the dirt never stops sifting in
what could a couple of kisses and brushes do
except overshadow the looming brink
the moment you stepped away it crawled back in
into my pockets my clothes every crevice even you couldn’t reach
the images began to dig into my forearms
and I guess this time
you got tired of saving me

the day you left it returned back up to my neck
and the irony in it is that you joined the mix
you left me but now everywhere I felt I felt you
I felt your cigarettes I felt your indifference I felt your feet walk out my door
you told me to forget you how could I forget you
I shared my soul with you
every piece of me that hid from this world indulged themselves in you
why can’t you love me the way I love you?
this time the dirt is excruciating
most days I barely breathed most days I lived through red eyes and shaking fingers
you told me I wouldn’t be able to live without you and you were right I need you
I need you to pull me up again I need to feel my feet
I can’t do it alone

it didn’t take long to consume me
it already owned me
I wasn’t afraid of dying I had just been sitting on a ledge
it’s just embarrassing when your trauma takes your life before you can
the dirt finally rose to the top of my head and the last ray of sunlight closed itself to my gaze
the dead body before me, the unwanted body upon me,
the screams at the police, the bruises on my wrists
your feet out my door, your feet on my grave
all resting under my eyelids, final memories I am forced to relive

you told me I wouldn’t be able to live without you
so why am I still breathing?
did I just save myself?
the dirt still surrounds me I feel it suffocating me, so why am I still breathing?
am I a God?

you saved me when I thought I needed saving
but although you pulled me to my feet
you never pulled me out of the grave
you watched from above as the dirt refilled again and again and again
within it I feel
your fingers ending my call, my thighs barely balancing on those rails
you laughing at the fresh lines on my hands
“see you couldn’t do it” echoing within the sand
you never saved me

I saved me
I am a God
I forced myself to breathe with the very particles suffocating me
I transformed my body to absorb the searing pressure
I soak the bristles the insects the roughness into my skin into myself they’re now at the mercy of me
I am a God

I am God
I carve the words on myself
I carve them on my fingers I carve them on my ribs I carve them in ink
I carve them with knives they belong on my skin
I am a God I am a God I am a God
I don’t need you