I don’t hate you
I think I know that
when the heat climbs my throat and spills out my eyes
I know its not hate

I convinced myself I hated you
I told it to myself so many times
I actually believed it

my anger is an emotion that fits you
anger for things you can’t control
things that you’ve taught me
so I hated myself too

you don’t understand me
or perhaps you understand me too well
maybe I hate you in order
to avoid looking too closely at my own reflection
I know I’ll see you there
but worse than that
I’ll see myself.

you are blameless
you are the victim
I am not the victor
you are what you needed to be to survive
and still you are soft and loving
in almost all ways that matter

I don’t matter

my feelings don’t matter

my mind doesn’t matter

I don’t matter

this is why I hate you
your heart has been killed
your spirit  has been crushed
your very being has been battered and broken
and you are good
you are still good

I am not.

I don’t hate you
I love you on the verge of bursting
you are a precious thing
I know I could never hate you
you have never done anything worthy of ire

I am ugly
I know that I am
we are alone together
it is only us against them
and I still never choose your side
I act like you are the embarrassment
I act like you are something that needs to be apologized for
to be excused

it is only us
against them
and I will never choose you

I am the embarrassment
so desperate to be accepted