Why
A serious question why
Why am I left here with my head buzzing for hours on end
A minuscule rattle not actually there but felt
I’m left starting at a ceiling thoughts no more than blurred images through that rattle
Who can think through that
There’s an urge to move to speak but where does it goes
Where does it leak into and spill outwards
I wonder if there’s a ending to this
The rattle it says the walk into the night
To sit on the bridge smoking cigarettes you’re too scared to buy yourself
Stare into the water for hours and jump if you must
You’ll live you’re too resilient but what if for a moment you weren’t
When you sit and feel the outline of your head
When you lay down and think only of wanting to bleed but you’re too nervous of the next person who will see your body to ask questions to do so anymore
It gets harder to hide, you can wear as many clothes as many layers but he will trace over your skin and make question once more
Why you are left breathing quietly alone and sounds of the air falling in the room are what keep you there still
I didn’t ask for this but I was made for it
Somehow I am perfect here
Somehow is this the apex of what I am becoming and have already become
And somehow I dream a little dream of no longer being this way
But that would no longer but someone I knew late at nights and through the silence of the day
Who would this person become
Would the mirror kiss them softly as they go about their day
The eggshells across the floor would be swept away
But who am I to become that
I’m tired of trying to beat myself into submission of a false pretense of being full
So I’ll lay here once more and learn to be okay with what’s been there longer than I have been  generation