a feeling of numbness overwhelms the body,
the mind and soul upon entering those doors

these are doors that you know you will never
pass through alive again

a great sadness,

pity and self pity surround you as the doors close

memories of a healthy life flash before your eyes
that no one else can see but you

the very edge of your world is clearly visible

you have journied here prematurely,

unwantingly

your body has been under siege,

under attack by a foe they claim has no equal

a cowardly foe,
a foe that is rarely beaten

the mind is as sound as the day you turned sweet sixteen

but now,

it also slowly gives in unwillingly

the twinkle in those eyes slowly begin to fade as well

you know that the nights of enjoying your favorite meal...

your favorite television show...

the early morning walks in the unmistakable fragrant
air after an evening's gentle rain...

the smiles you shared with those closest to you
when no one knew that you were even very sick....

those smiles are vastly different than the smiles
that merely seem,

feel to be nothing more than pity smiles now

but,

these are all things you know that you will never do again
after passing through those doors

will my loved ones miss me?

this plays over and over in your mind

will they be okay without me here,

without me near?

who will care for my four legged friend?

will he have a loving home such as i provided?

i can't help but think...

i can't help but feel that i am letting so many down....

helplessly i am being erased from the everyday landscape of my loved ones lives by a coward

a coward that plays hide and seek

a coward that never wants to be found until it's too late,

until everyone has given up and gone home

my footprints may no longer be visible in a while,

but i hope that my life and the way in which i had lived it
has left or leaves a deep enough imprint for those closest to me

to remember me by,

to cherish me by...

even being prematurely removed from their lives as i was.

on my way into hospice i may have been numb, bewildered,

and filled with nostalgia of my life that once was....

i know on my out of hospice in spirit,

i will be free!

i will cry many tears for those that i have left behind without me

but........

on the other side of those doors i will finally be free!!!!