Jul 2019
Why? Why do you think that it is extremely necessary to do this every single Friday, without fail? And then to call ME a *****, to say I’m a ***** every day without fail? NO. I put myself through pain, physical and mental, just to try and make you happy. But you don’t see that. You let me sit here, crying, pain radiating from my back and knees. You see a nuisance, a bother, when I have to use my wheelchair. You resent it, and me. You resent me for needing a device to help me function. You resent me for not having a job, for going to school. You fail to see that I’m going to school to get a well-paying job. I’m trying, so hard, to get a job or my SSDI payments reinstated.
I got good news today. It was my new birth certificate. But you didn’t care. I was so, so happy. My eyes were lit like firecrackers on the fourth of July. You didn’t care though. You were just ****** that I woke you up. I asked you nicely, while still ecstatic, if we could go get my new license. You missed the turn and got mad at me. I saw the anger boiling in your eyes. I guess I wasn’t watching them long enough to prolong the overflow.
We went to the store because I needed strawberries and deodorant. I got an automated cart because my body is in constant agony. You didn’t care. You were annoyed because it is too slow for your liking. It died while rolling through the store, at the same exact place as last time. But you didn’t care. You snapped at me instead, demanding I just “**** it up and walk”.
You gave me this ring nine months ago with a promise. A promise you would always be here for me. A promise that you would stay by my side, in sickness and in health. I don’t think you expected the sickness to come quite so soon, though. I think it took you aback and now you’re scared to lose me like you lost him. Suddenly, and painfully.
Don’t you see? The only way you’ll be losing me is if you want me to leave. I won’t leave until you say the words dismissing me. I don’t think your actions are already telling me you want me gone. I hope you come to realize why you are feeling like this. I hope you can understand that most of your anger is just the current state of grief. You lost him a little over a year ago, after all.
I got good news today. It was my new birth certificate. But you didn’t care. I was so, so happy. My eyes were lit like firecrackers on the fourth of July. You didn’t care though. You were just ****** that I woke you up. I asked you nicely, while still ecstatic, if we could go get my new license. You missed the turn and got mad at me. I saw the anger boiling in your eyes. I guess I wasn’t watching them long enough to prolong the overflow.
We went to the store because I needed strawberries and deodorant. I got an automated cart because my body is in constant agony. You didn’t care. You were annoyed because it is too slow for your liking. It died while rolling through the store, at the same exact place as last time. But you didn’t care. You snapped at me instead, demanding I just “**** it up and walk”.
You gave me this ring nine months ago with a promise. A promise you would always be here for me. A promise that you would stay by my side, in sickness and in health. I don’t think you expected the sickness to come quite so soon, though. I think it took you aback and now you’re scared to lose me like you lost him. Suddenly, and painfully.
Don’t you see? The only way you’ll be losing me is if you want me to leave. I won’t leave until you say the words dismissing me. I don’t think your actions are already telling me you want me gone. I hope you come to realize why you are feeling like this. I hope you can understand that most of your anger is just the current state of grief. You lost him a little over a year ago, after all.
