losing him. heartbreak. chainsaws. the dark. crowds. wide open spaces. being alone. being alone with my thoughts. myself. slipping back into old habits.  using my wheelchair every day until i ******* die. clowns. spiders. bugs. any ******* bugs. except fireflies. and butterflies. moths? ******* terrifying. holes. heights. being forgotten. public speaking. being homeless, again. tornadoes. needles. driving during the day. dirt. being irrelevant. tight spaces. being in a wreck. fire. but not always. drowning. but i love water. alzheimers. cancer. my dad. my ex best friend, turned ******. rapists. prison. the oven. never losing weight. always being this fat. getting fatter. society. never being taken seriously. always being misgendered. "ma'am". being stranded and not knowing the local language. people. being touched. velvet. never being happy. dying alone.