She plans, she waits, she is patient
Mostly she can be ignored
Chained to the wall
Kept in the box
High on the upper shelf
In the back of the room
The one with the mind locks

She awaits her moment
She bides her time
She is a creature of opportunity
To seek the vulnerable space in  heart and mind

But her whispers break through the bonds
A litany, a cycle, on repeat

"Why would anyone ever want you?
What makes you think you're so special?
What makes you think yourself worthy...
     of time
     of space
     of thought
     of love

You're not smart
You know nothing
You've done nothing

No accomplishments that matter
Never an original thought
Never an original sin

How could you possibly believe anyone would let you in?

They're just being nice
They're just bored
They'll disappear when someone interesting comes along

You don't matter
You're not special
You are nothing

Don't even bother
Don't even try
Don't say anything
Don't do anything

Know you're place (see, you can't even use the right "your", stupid little girl")

Stay in YOUR place

Don't take the risk
Don't believe they actually want to
     talk to you
     share time
     or space
     or body with you

You know you're too dumb, too slow, too fat, too dull

Why try to kid yourself..."

on and on and on and on and on and on and on and on and on and on and on and on and on and on and on and on and on and on and on and on and on and on and on and on and on and on and on and on and on and on and on and on and on and on and on and on and on and on and on and on and on and on and on and on and on and on and on and on and on and on and on and on and on and on and on and on and on and on and on and on and on and on and on and on and on and on and on and on and on and on and on and on and on and on and on and on and on and on and on and on and on and on and on and on and on and on and on and on and on and on and on and on and on and on and on and on and on and on and on and on and on and on and on and on and on and on and on and on and on and on and on and on and on and on and on and on and on and on and on and on and on and on and on and on and on and on and on and on and on and on and on and on and on and on and on and on and on and on and on and on and on and on and on ...

White noise over the quiet parts of the loudest songs

Until I buckle and become ensnared
As her shadow covers and envelopes
And knocks me off my feet
And kicks me when I'm down
Pummeled, crying in the corner of my my mind

I reach out blindly for reassurance

Someone somewhere somehow

I know, I know, I know, I know, I know

But she's taken over
She's in control
She knows which way to go
To make her point and become enfleshed

She's been watching
She knows where to strike
She's found the softest part of my underbelly
She's been sharpening her strongest knife

The place without much solid ground
It's tenuous, it's new, it's risk
The place where the wild things grow

And she strikes, sinks claws in deep

Sends a message across space and time
When I know better than to cross that line

Not the right time to ask,
     not fair
     not needed
     the exact opposite, in fact

And you, bless your heart, you don't engage
Leave me alone on that stage
Let me fight this monster of mine
I'll thank you for that another time

She wants be lost and alone.
This monster who took over my phone
And said truths better left alone

She likes making a fool of me
Exposing my vulnerability

But see, I know she lies to me
I know she's wrong
I know she's naught but the expression of weakness in me

This is why she lives in the mind-locked room, top corner, back of the shelf

So I rest, regroup, refresh, relax

Find my own way out of the darkness
Back to my meandering path

Turn focus on the things I KNOW
And give the rest some space to grow

I know I'm smart, and deep, and clever
     (But, yes, I am a little slow)

I know that I know nothing
     (And I know that knowing I know nothing is something to know)

I know that I've done a lot, been a lot, accomplished a lot
     (And I know the past is naught but experience to color my choices in the future)

I know that I exist and therefore I am special
     (A lot of crazy impossibilities aligned to bring me here today, and that makes me special...just like the rest of the plants and animals filling this reality)

And I know, I know, I know, I know, I know, I know that people wouldn't
     talk to me
     share time
     share space
     share thought
with me if they didn't want to

So why worry about it?
     (Snaps the chain around her neck)

Why push?
    (Puts her box back on the shelf)

Why stay on solid ground?
    (Turns the key on the mind-locked door)

I know I like to tread quicksand