this is not like getting your heart ripped out and stepped on. i dont know if its worse or better. its more like slowly getting sliced open with a scalpel, so sharp its almost numb to the touch, but the pain hits you in a second when the blood and bones are exposed to air, this new air theyve never seen. this unfamiliar other side of love air, the air they heard of but never thought would grace their nerves.
this is like diving into the ocean with that person you love. staying under for a few seconds holding your breath, feeling weightless, feeling flawless, being flawless. then that person climbs on top of your shoulders to gasp for air, and you need to breathe but you cant get up. how could they do this? dont they see me down here? dont they know this hurts, they needed to breathe, why do they think i dont?
this isnt final. as i write this i still have hope months from now he and i will be on vacation somewhere together. i hope as distance grows and i grow independent he misses me, and i hope i never miss him again. not because hes not lovely, just because he never misses me. why doesnt he miss me? i am so wonderful. he said it himself.
this is a tragedy. i caused it, i need it, i dont want it to happen. i see myself being so worthy of his love, i see myself caving in to whatever he asks of me, i see myself becoming the weakest individual ive known to withstand heartbreak. im hating myself for this.
this is a blessing. ive been waiting for the end for months. i need to be free, to find someone trustworthy who will devote themselves as ive devoted myself to this person who never could give me what ive given them. unconditional, flawless love. unadulterated. perfect love. flawless unjaded and willing to last forever.
i am such a fool. why did i think i would be different, everyone in the world gets duped and i thought i was in for a treat. i thought i was lucky. im never lucky. ive never been lucky. i am so nice. i was so much nicer when i met him. i was so happy. i can still be happy. but i cant with him. what have i done
i hate this