Jun 2019
There is a quiet anger festering inside of me,
a rage grown from trauma and pain,
Nightmares disguised as flashbacks
that torment me in the day.
Restless nights when I wish there were a God
who could hear what I have to say?
"You're kidding me, right? If you have the power to move mountains,
then why can't you lift away this weight. You made me in your image. Then why does my reflection tear at my ounce of strength? I guess that's it. Amen".
And then I remember, you are the source of so much pain.
Tell a child they are the embodiment of sin.
Then suddenly, you morph to my mother's face,
calling me a creature, a rat, a good-for-nothing brat,
but I suppose I should forgive all of that.
It's done and over, but the words stayed in my head.
They replaced the space where love should be instead.
I do not trust the myth of holy wisdom.
I do not chase the love I was never given.
I haven't figured it all out,
and my anger remains burdensome,
but I do try to subdue the fire in me.
I try, to fight through my rage,
to remind myself, at 21, it's now up to me
I must discover my own way.
I try to remember the difficult days when I swore to the sky,
I can be better than how I was raised.
I can be better than a floating king that watched me wilt away.
My anger is an acid, and I would never wish
to pass on this grief to any other person.
The cycle can be broken.
a rage grown from trauma and pain,
Nightmares disguised as flashbacks
that torment me in the day.
Restless nights when I wish there were a God
who could hear what I have to say?
"You're kidding me, right? If you have the power to move mountains,
then why can't you lift away this weight. You made me in your image. Then why does my reflection tear at my ounce of strength? I guess that's it. Amen".
And then I remember, you are the source of so much pain.
Tell a child they are the embodiment of sin.
Then suddenly, you morph to my mother's face,
calling me a creature, a rat, a good-for-nothing brat,
but I suppose I should forgive all of that.
It's done and over, but the words stayed in my head.
They replaced the space where love should be instead.
I do not trust the myth of holy wisdom.
I do not chase the love I was never given.
I haven't figured it all out,
and my anger remains burdensome,
but I do try to subdue the fire in me.
I try, to fight through my rage,
to remind myself, at 21, it's now up to me
I must discover my own way.
I try to remember the difficult days when I swore to the sky,
I can be better than how I was raised.
I can be better than a floating king that watched me wilt away.
My anger is an acid, and I would never wish
to pass on this grief to any other person.
The cycle can be broken.
Good morning. Woke up after a pretty dark dream and I had a few ideas rattling in my head. This is the first draft and now it's out there, out of my head. Don't assume I'm an angry person, there are ways to mend what was once broken. There's the aspect of forgiving that I struggle with, and I believe there are underlying issues to that where my anger swells from. I love my mother and we get along well these days, but it doesn't change the past, it doesn't take away the pain. She has since apologized to me (numerous times) for the neglect and pain she caused me, and I am grateful that she now sees how heavy those traumas weighed on me. At this point, I am on a journey to find a way to fix my metal wiring so that I can understand my agonizing flashbacks differently than how I have in the past. I am on a path to forgiving my parents as well as myself. I hope one day I can honestly and fully forgive my mother. I want to very badly, but the deepest rooted issues that were fed into my mind for the first 15 years of my life are going to take a long while to chip away at.
