I woke up and reality came crashing down at the speed light.
I didn’t want to open my eyes.
I didn’t want to smell the air.
I didn’t want to stretch my arms as a welcoming gesture towards this new day.
I didn’t want to get up, out of bed, and touch the freezing floor that would immediately tell me to forget about everything I had just seen, witnessed, experienced.
I didn’t want to forget.
I wanted to remember every single scene that played in my head to continue dancing around in my mind.
People I encountered.
Odors I smelled.
Places I saw.
Every single detail that made that world unbelievably amazing.
Every interaction.
So, I tossed and turned.
And I flipped to one side, then flipped to the other.
Put my hands over my eyes.
Shut the sunlight out completely…
And thought of you.
You were there.
Arriving so quickly as if you were coming to rescue me from the depths of my despair.
But you were so god dam far away.
I couldn’t bring myself to bear this.
I could see you, but were you really there?
I could hear you, but were you really speaking to me?
You kept calling my name.
And you were saying something I didn’t quite understand.
Or maybe you were saying something I just didn’t want to hear.
I heard it over and over, nonstop.
So I opened y eyes.
And I took a deep breath, exhaling the glorious memory that seemed to be hanging on to my soul.
I spent the rest of the day trying to re-live and re-experience everything I’s seen before.
Every step of it. I went over and over it so that and I wouldn’t miss a thing thinking that come night time I’d have everything completely clear (stored) and in place.
That when my head hit the pillow, I’d simply close my eyes and you would exist again.
Be there once again.
Return to me.
[Time]
I gave up.
I caved.
What else was I supposed to do?
I was hanging unto miserable pain that turned into beauty every time I remembered your eyes.
I imagine this kind of torture can only be physically endured by few people.
Painful because it became self inflicted.
Beautiful because you remained just as I’d seen you that very first time.
This reassured me you hadn’t changed.
But I still couldn’t see you like I did before.
Maybe I was the one that changed.
Was my mind looking for something different than what my heart had seen before?
I sat down on a desk.
Pen and paper in hand,
Thinking that somehow I could put these haunting thoughts into words.
And that these words would eventually become actions*
Time passed.
Things changed.
But this always happens.
Everything around me was so quiet.
The silence was deafening.
I could hear you, finally.
I was solaced.
It was a humbling feeling to hear your voice.
Thought I wouldn’t live to see the day you’d come back.
I thought you’d be gone forever.
We are drained by the love we choose to give into.

-Daisy Polanco