May 2019
I can’t forgive myself
For your mistakes
I still reflect on them as mine
I’m not fine
My freshman year of highschool was a hell
It’s a story I’d rather not tell
But then again I owe it to you- for what I didn’t say I and what I didn’t do
I always came back to the memories of you
A homeschooled girl with Blonde hair
Going with her ambitions without a care for anyone else
As the silent clock struck quarter till 1
The devil addressed our reality with his ******* son
And a sinister smirk
That night came to lurk
And left me in murk
10 lines of powder- I was fine
Nothing with with my mind
6 for you and you were gone
But you kept on going- on and on
After the ninth hit I said “Stop”
But you were insisting that you wouldn’t drop
Line 10 you weren’t fine
At 12:46 am on the 11th line you died
Into my arms you fell
And for the longest time I never would tell
Anyone of what happened on that night
Six years later
And I say
That my Dad's death wasn’t in vain
But it was yours that was harder
That cold lifeless head
Those vacant eyes blankly staring at me
Though we didn’t know for certain at the time
I had felt death and had seen it before
I knew you were dead
In the present future I stay awake
Trying to stay sober
As I reflect on my college experience
And the drug intake
This girl- Rosie she was you through and through (other than her hair color)
I Thought that was a sign
But she was taken
And even if she wasn’t
I would not make her mine
But at the same time you were on my mind
So I did drugs to ease the pain
And severely messed up my brain
Lorelei
Use your voice
And sing for the angels
And hopefully you were buried with your tennis racket
I missed your funeral
Our last memory is so surreal
Your hazel eyes met my eyes one last time and we never truly said goodbye
This book
The strife it took to make all of these poems
Doesn’t compare to the magnitude of your death paired with my fathers
This book is dedicated to you
And all mothers and daughters
And for anyone who’s ever lost someone
Life can end as fast as a bullet flies from a shotgun
R.I.P.
Rest easy
You deserve it
Can’t I believe i could’ve done more
When I begin to reflect and realize that I should have stayed by your side
Passion and pride burning inside
I can’t cancel out my pain
Or justify
My heart’s apartheid
For years I’ve hidden behind a false smile
Nobody understands the extent of my denial
Everything that I've been I've been through
Has made me stronger
Every now and again for you I want to cry
But for you in my life of ups and downs
I try to vye as I'm hanging out to dry
If She hates me for what we know what is a lie
Then letting go is even harder- I'm confused about this
After you died the only way I knew how to keep people in my life was choke them with love and attach myself to everything to aid the scars because I couldn't lose anyone else in death or untimely separation
If my Dad’s death was a star
Then you're the broken glass on the flashlight the shattered headlight on a car
This poem is dedicated to you
My first true love
And forever friend
I'm now atoning for the one and only sin
The one I didn't ever rightfully commit
That compressed my world
Into a blunder and a blender of confusion and surreal reality
I don't remember much of 2011 after that
And if no one sees it to be true
At least I know that I was the first one to love you and vice-versa
For your mistakes
I still reflect on them as mine
I’m not fine
My freshman year of highschool was a hell
It’s a story I’d rather not tell
But then again I owe it to you- for what I didn’t say I and what I didn’t do
I always came back to the memories of you
A homeschooled girl with Blonde hair
Going with her ambitions without a care for anyone else
As the silent clock struck quarter till 1
The devil addressed our reality with his ******* son
And a sinister smirk
That night came to lurk
And left me in murk
10 lines of powder- I was fine
Nothing with with my mind
6 for you and you were gone
But you kept on going- on and on
After the ninth hit I said “Stop”
But you were insisting that you wouldn’t drop
Line 10 you weren’t fine
At 12:46 am on the 11th line you died
Into my arms you fell
And for the longest time I never would tell
Anyone of what happened on that night
Six years later
And I say
That my Dad's death wasn’t in vain
But it was yours that was harder
That cold lifeless head
Those vacant eyes blankly staring at me
Though we didn’t know for certain at the time
I had felt death and had seen it before
I knew you were dead
In the present future I stay awake
Trying to stay sober
As I reflect on my college experience
And the drug intake
This girl- Rosie she was you through and through (other than her hair color)
I Thought that was a sign
But she was taken
And even if she wasn’t
I would not make her mine
But at the same time you were on my mind
So I did drugs to ease the pain
And severely messed up my brain
Lorelei
Use your voice
And sing for the angels
And hopefully you were buried with your tennis racket
I missed your funeral
Our last memory is so surreal
Your hazel eyes met my eyes one last time and we never truly said goodbye
This book
The strife it took to make all of these poems
Doesn’t compare to the magnitude of your death paired with my fathers
This book is dedicated to you
And all mothers and daughters
And for anyone who’s ever lost someone
Life can end as fast as a bullet flies from a shotgun
R.I.P.
Rest easy
You deserve it
Can’t I believe i could’ve done more
When I begin to reflect and realize that I should have stayed by your side
Passion and pride burning inside
I can’t cancel out my pain
Or justify
My heart’s apartheid
For years I’ve hidden behind a false smile
Nobody understands the extent of my denial
Everything that I've been I've been through
Has made me stronger
Every now and again for you I want to cry
But for you in my life of ups and downs
I try to vye as I'm hanging out to dry
If She hates me for what we know what is a lie
Then letting go is even harder- I'm confused about this
After you died the only way I knew how to keep people in my life was choke them with love and attach myself to everything to aid the scars because I couldn't lose anyone else in death or untimely separation
If my Dad’s death was a star
Then you're the broken glass on the flashlight the shattered headlight on a car
This poem is dedicated to you
My first true love
And forever friend
I'm now atoning for the one and only sin
The one I didn't ever rightfully commit
That compressed my world
Into a blunder and a blender of confusion and surreal reality
I don't remember much of 2011 after that
And if no one sees it to be true
At least I know that I was the first one to love you and vice-versa
