May 2019
My body’s not broken
Maybe just my soul is then,
If it’s not my brain it’s just my psyche,
There really is nothing that I can get right.
I knew it wasn’t possible,
To be really loved by somebody else,
But this was what I preferred:
To feel so bad about what I did but be aware he didn’t actually care.
I hope he didn’t.
It’s just a part he can’t remember,
My friends told me he claimed to want the same, for us to end, only to make me feel better.
To do that he must have really thought so,
That I was good somewhere inside,
Even though I knew he just couldn’t see my darknesses,
But how could that be? I never did believe.
Surely he just wanted to make the rejection less,
If I used that it would have been to ease the embarrassment, pretend it wasn’t wrong.
Maybe it’s just easy,
To forget
Well, I know how easy it is to forget my whole existence,
No one ever knows when I’m there.
Before when I thought about how bad it was for him,
I did believe it because he was so
Everything
It seemed so true,
Not that it ever counts for much but I guess it was different.
However there was her,
He liked her not just before but afterwards,
I wasn’t jealous, I just pointed out that he didn’t like her
We weren’t her biggest fans together, I know that’s sad.
But if I was the middle and she was the
Start and end,
Maybe I was just a rebound of a crush, huh?
That would’ve been me trying to make myself feel better,
I feel guilty for even wondering this,
When he did everything right and
I was everything wrong.
Perhaps I really did just want attention.
The thing it taught was to never trust myself: mind or heart.
Both of these are always wrong
When it comes to the messed up person that is me.
I don’t think I’m capable
Of loving someone real,
And that’s only my fault still,
I’m not attempting excuses:
I’ve never believed in them inside my own surrounding essence.
I know I should stay away,
I knew it but still I played
With my imagination of wondering if anything could be an actuality,
It’s wrong, so wrong of me - but it was just a conversation,
And now I feel a mess over something so stupid, so small.
Of course I shouldn’t have meant anything at all.
Maybe just my soul is then,
If it’s not my brain it’s just my psyche,
There really is nothing that I can get right.
I knew it wasn’t possible,
To be really loved by somebody else,
But this was what I preferred:
To feel so bad about what I did but be aware he didn’t actually care.
I hope he didn’t.
It’s just a part he can’t remember,
My friends told me he claimed to want the same, for us to end, only to make me feel better.
To do that he must have really thought so,
That I was good somewhere inside,
Even though I knew he just couldn’t see my darknesses,
But how could that be? I never did believe.
Surely he just wanted to make the rejection less,
If I used that it would have been to ease the embarrassment, pretend it wasn’t wrong.
Maybe it’s just easy,
To forget
Well, I know how easy it is to forget my whole existence,
No one ever knows when I’m there.
Before when I thought about how bad it was for him,
I did believe it because he was so
Everything
It seemed so true,
Not that it ever counts for much but I guess it was different.
However there was her,
He liked her not just before but afterwards,
I wasn’t jealous, I just pointed out that he didn’t like her
We weren’t her biggest fans together, I know that’s sad.
But if I was the middle and she was the
Start and end,
Maybe I was just a rebound of a crush, huh?
That would’ve been me trying to make myself feel better,
I feel guilty for even wondering this,
When he did everything right and
I was everything wrong.
Perhaps I really did just want attention.
The thing it taught was to never trust myself: mind or heart.
Both of these are always wrong
When it comes to the messed up person that is me.
I don’t think I’m capable
Of loving someone real,
And that’s only my fault still,
I’m not attempting excuses:
I’ve never believed in them inside my own surrounding essence.
I know I should stay away,
I knew it but still I played
With my imagination of wondering if anything could be an actuality,
It’s wrong, so wrong of me - but it was just a conversation,
And now I feel a mess over something so stupid, so small.
Of course I shouldn’t have meant anything at all.
