Looking back,
maybe most of it wasn't as beautiful
as I thought it was.
Maybe most of it was
in fact,
afternoons I spent trying to guess what you were thinking.
Maybe most of it
was me asking too much,
you telling me that you didn't want to fight.
Not here.
"Not like this..."
You said.
Looking back,
maybe you were trying to let me down
easily
over and over again.
While all the while,
I fought you until you conceded
for another day,
until you just couldn't anymore...
I think now,
that most of it was me loving you,
thinking that I wasn't asking anything of you.
When really,
I was asking everything of you.
That was never fair.
I focused so ******* the magic,
the single fleeting moments,
that I used them to fill in the gaps.
I created this story where everything was beautiful...
when all we really were,
were shards of shattered glass being hit by the sunlight.
See,
those moments glittered in my mind so brightly,
I forgot that they were sharp.
I forgot that things weren't supposed to start that way,
jagged and broken.
You blinded me.
And when you finally did leave,
I walked across those memories
over and over again
until it began to rain,
until there was no more sunlight.
And when they stopped glittering,
I looked down to see my feet,
covered in the open wounds you left behind...
And my feet bled,
and my heart ached,
and I cried.

I cried so badly for the loss of you.

I cried over all the things that I had never seen coming,
because I had been so worried
about never expecting anything from you,
that I had forgotten to protect myself.
I had never prepared myself for the moment
when you wouldn't be there anymore.
I never had a plan for how I would handle
the way you had looked at me
would inevitably haunt me.
And it did.
You did.
For weeks I cried for you,
in the quiet moments between doing other things.
You broke my heart.
And then you came back...
Came back as if I would still be here.
And I was,
for a while.
But I can't be here anymore.
I can't love us enough anymore,
can't pick up the slack another moment,
because my heart is tired,
and my feet are bloodied,
and my hands are broken from trying
to hold the pieces of this together,
while all the while you were pulling us apart.
You can't come back here.

I'll admit,
I thought I wanted you to.
I waited for you.
I wanted this.
I WANTED this.
I ******* wanted this...
didn't I?
But now you're here.
You're here and I realize,
how few good moments there really were.
So many of our days,
weren't good days at all,
were they?
So many days you left me devastated.
Left me questioning who I was,
what I'd said,
what you were thinking.
I spent so much time waiting for you to leave.
So,
I think it really is time now.

I think it's time for us to really just...
Let us go.
Because I could spend forever wishing
that I'd known our last kiss would be so,
so that I could kiss you just another moment longer.
I could wish for one more drink,
one more iron table,
smile at me one more time,
look at me that way,
brush your hand across mine,
smile at me,
make me laugh,
ask me what I'm thinking,
hold me in a parking lot,
tell me that you thought of me today,
tell me that you thought of me in general,
miss me.
For the sake of ******* everything,
miss me just more ******* time.

Please...

But the reality is,
none of that would change any of this.
You'll still be you.
I'll still be me.
And I'll still love you.
And you still won't know what to say.
You'll never let me inside of you,
and I'll forever be at the mercy of you.
I can't live like that.
I don't want to know you,
if it means that we have to pretend that none of
this was real.
That isn't fair to what this was.
This was broken and dangerous from the beginning,
but when the sunlight hit it,

Baby, this was magic.

So leave me here,
like this.
Let me heal.
Let me miss you when it rains,
but let me get over you.
Let it be enough,
because it has to be enough now.
Walk away,
because I'm not strong enough to do it on my own.

So if you ever loved me,
in any way,
set me free.

Set me free, for the last time.

I love you,
L.