Feb 2013
I couldn’t find anything remotely close to what I wish i could, or need, or want to say so this is me.
Writing it for myself because it’s the only way I can think of.
I’m not even sure if it is right for me to say any of this but I’m going to
Knowing that at least I can remove this someday. If this counts as failing then that’s fine.
I failed yesterday too.
I had a fever and I spent all afternoon in bed, I almost collapsed going to the store to get painkillers and ice-cream and I couldn’t even muster the energy to watch a movie.
I went for ‘The Perks of being a Wallflower’ because the last and first time I watched it it made me feel calm and content.
It’s still sitting there now waiting on me watching the remaining one hour and 11 minutes.
Maybe it’s the wrong movie and that’s why I couldn’t watch, or maybe it was just I was too weak.
This is something I’d normally write on my blog, but nobody ever notices me there.
I haven’t even said what I want to say yet. I love you.
I feel like that should bother me but it doesn’t.
If anything it’s a weight of my mind and I’m sorry if it burdens you.
I’ve told you I care and I’ve told you how glad I am for you, and I hope you get the outcome you wish for and deserve, and it is genuine. All of it.
I’m wondering how that can possibly be. I think that confuses me most.
You said something along the lines of that presumably because I’m a decent human being.
If I was decent wouldn’t I keep how strongly I feel to myself?
Wouldn’t that be the decent thing to do?
Is it decent to even feel hurt that you’re in love with someone, or to find myself considering the ‘what ifs’ or the fact it tore me up, and continues to tear, to know I’m undesirable even though i know it’s the truth?
On the other side, I accept all of those things and I’m okay with it. Why am I okay?
The idea of losing your friendship means more than any of that and I’ve never had that.
I don’t regret anything that I’ve ever done, or ever told you and that is something I can’t quite understand either. I always regret something.
I know time has a habit of changing things and we may cease being friends at some point, but my biggest hope is that that never happens.
Writing it for myself because it’s the only way I can think of.
I’m not even sure if it is right for me to say any of this but I’m going to
Knowing that at least I can remove this someday. If this counts as failing then that’s fine.
I failed yesterday too.
I had a fever and I spent all afternoon in bed, I almost collapsed going to the store to get painkillers and ice-cream and I couldn’t even muster the energy to watch a movie.
I went for ‘The Perks of being a Wallflower’ because the last and first time I watched it it made me feel calm and content.
It’s still sitting there now waiting on me watching the remaining one hour and 11 minutes.
Maybe it’s the wrong movie and that’s why I couldn’t watch, or maybe it was just I was too weak.
This is something I’d normally write on my blog, but nobody ever notices me there.
I haven’t even said what I want to say yet. I love you.
I feel like that should bother me but it doesn’t.
If anything it’s a weight of my mind and I’m sorry if it burdens you.
I’ve told you I care and I’ve told you how glad I am for you, and I hope you get the outcome you wish for and deserve, and it is genuine. All of it.
I’m wondering how that can possibly be. I think that confuses me most.
You said something along the lines of that presumably because I’m a decent human being.
If I was decent wouldn’t I keep how strongly I feel to myself?
Wouldn’t that be the decent thing to do?
Is it decent to even feel hurt that you’re in love with someone, or to find myself considering the ‘what ifs’ or the fact it tore me up, and continues to tear, to know I’m undesirable even though i know it’s the truth?
On the other side, I accept all of those things and I’m okay with it. Why am I okay?
The idea of losing your friendship means more than any of that and I’ve never had that.
I don’t regret anything that I’ve ever done, or ever told you and that is something I can’t quite understand either. I always regret something.
I know time has a habit of changing things and we may cease being friends at some point, but my biggest hope is that that never happens.
